By Mel the Bear – Not a mechanic. Definitely a judgey observer.
Cars are not just machines. They’re mood boards on wheels.
And frankly? Most of them are giving passive-aggressive.
Hear me out.
You pull into the wash bay. Your car’s paint job is hiding under a generous helping of “urban crust.” The windscreen has that frosted filter effect from a hundred highway bugs. Inside? A mysterious stickiness on the cupholder. There’s a smell, too, but we’re not talking about that.
And still… your car has the audacity to beep at you when you open the door too fast.
Or flash “LOW TYRE PRESSURE” at 2AM like a passive-aggressive roommate reminding you they noticed you didn’t do the dishes.
Don’t even get me started on the “Check Engine” light.
What do you want, Sarah? Attention? A hug? Therapy?
At least tell me what’s wrong instead of blinking at me like a Victorian ghost with unresolved trauma.
Some cars give off “disappointed parent” vibes.
Like, “Oh… so NOW you’re cleaning me? After everything I’ve done for you?”
They sulk during the pre-soak. They squeal dramatically when you hose down the wheels.
Meanwhile, the glovebox is still hiding receipts from 2019 and one half-melted Mentos.
Then there are the smug ones.
Fresh out of dealership warranty, already acting like they deserve custom plates and a reality show.
They practically purr during the wax coat like, “Yes darling, buff my bonnet.”
But no matter what kind of emotional blackmail your car serves… I love them all.
Because under the sass, the warning lights, the backseat tantrums and snack crusts, there’s a vehicle that’s been with you through thick and thin. School runs. Camping trips. That time you moved house with four boxes strapped into the backseat and one on your lap.
They deserve the full 7 steps. Even if they judge your brushing technique.
So bring them in. Let them whine, beep, or blink at me.
Mel’s here. The soap is warm. The floor is slightly slippery.
And yes… I’m watching.
Mel